- [ Man ] So, how do you like this rain, Danny? - l'm sick of it,Jim.
Well, it seems Mr. Sunshine should be peeking through those early morning clouds.
- Yeah, promises, promises. - Folks, tell you what.
We have a question for you, and the first caller with the right answer wins--
An orthopaedic tractor seat cushion courtesy of Handy's Hardware.
- Okay, he was a recent two-term president. - Of the Moose Lodge?
[ Chuckling ] No, no, little buddy.
The ex-president of the United States and, many say, the most popular in history.
The first president to be divorced in office.
- And he's moving right here to-- - [ Both ] Mooseport.!
- [ Phone Ringing ] - Okay, we got a caller here.
-Judy Dunkle, can you name him? - [Judy ] Would that be Eagle Cole?
- [ Both ] Monroe "Eagle'"Cole.! - [ Bell Ringing ]
Hey, congratulations.! You're a winner,Judy.!
- Good morning, Handy. - Morning, Kent. Hey, looks good.
Yeah, yeah. Mornin', Harve.
- Mornin', Kent. - Mornin', Harve. - Morning, Handy.
- Morning, Harve. - Morning, Morris. - Morning, Handy.
Morning, Morris. Morning, Reuben.
- Good morning, Handy! - Morning, Stu. Morning, Fern.
- Good morning, Handy. - Morning!
- New socks, Harve? - Yeah.
l like 'em. They go well with... each other.
- Thanks. - Good morning, Handy!
- Oh, hi, Mandy. l didn't see you there. - Oh.
[ Stu ] Ready, boys? Get it together, now.
- One, two. Yeah! -##[ Rock:Man Singing ]
Nice. Good job.
- [ Horn Honking ] - Mornin'!
Mornin', lrma.
Hey. What you eating? Hey, Bruce.
- [ Barking ] - Hey, Daddy's home.
Come on, Plunger. Get going.
- Hey, baby! - Martha, good morning.
6:30 is too damn early.
lt's not too early for Bruce, right?
Bruce doesn't care what time it is.
- Bruce got a little morning breath going. - Do you believe this?
l mean, he decides to come a week early, and they expect us to get all that work done?
Well, he's the president. He's kinda used to gettin' what he wants.
We'll get it done.
Do you know what l like about Bruce? When he's here, my nose looks normal.
Yeah, but his nose fits his face, boss.
- You're not funny, Bob. Let's go. - [ Snorts ]
[ Man ] Who do we have writing the speech for Tuesday?
Yeah. No, l don't like him.
[ Overlapping Chatter ]
- Hold, please. - Hold on one second. Hold on one second.
Copy that. Go!
Lucky bounce, Mr. President.!
You know what they say-- l'd rather be lucky than good.
[ Applause ]
So, Mr. President, what are you gonna do next?
Oh, so many offers, Chi Chi. lt's an embarrassment of riches.
First there's the Farewell World Tour.
Chance for me to say good-bye and thank you to all my wonderful friends.
Writing my memoirs.
Then l'm doing something l haven't done in 26 years-- putting my feet up...
reading a newspaper without interruptions.
Sounds good. Settle back in that beautiful place you have in Baltimore.
Uh, afraid the First Lady got that one...
in the divorce.
- Oh, right. - She got the best years of my life.
But the one thing she won't get is my title.
To the house?
No, the title, ""Mr. President.''
Ohh!
Unless donkeys fly...
they'll be calling me ""Mr. President'' for the rest of my life.
She can have Baltimore. l'm fine with my lovely little summer place--
Mooseport.
[ Chattering, lndistinct ]
[ Braying ]
[ Man On Radio ] Four-tango-x-ray, hold short of runway 1 -2.
Sorry, Sally. We have the former president of the United States on final.
We've got orders to let him land first.
- Hold short. - Damn it.
[ Braying ]
[ Man ] Everybody, here we go.! Stay sharp.!
- Welcome to the Mooseport White House, Mr. President. - Thank you.
- All secure. - Ahh!
Home, sweet home.
Uh, it gets more magnificent every year. Ahh!
- [ Barking ] - Take the dog for a pee, Grace.
Oh,Jesus. lt looks like Tiger Woods's funeral.
l'd like to go over some of these speaking engagements--
Hold on, Bullard. l have to take a quick cabinet meeting.
[ Phone Ringing ]
## [ Whistling ]
- Get in there.! - Oh, hey!
[ Gasps, Grunts, Groans ]
Oh, sir.! l'm sorry.! Sorry.
Handy Harrison.
- lt's an honor to meet you, sir. - Get his weapon.! Back off!.
- l got it. - You all right, sir?
- l didn't realize one of the workers was here. - l'm just one of the workers.
- l'm sure he's been checked out. - l've been-- l checked out. l--
Oh, yes, sir. Everybody's been totally cleared.
l'll get out of here. l'll-- Let me-- Yeah.
- Boy. l'm sorry. - All clear.
l just want to say it's an honor to work for you, really.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Well, uh...
l did come in here for a reason.
Oh! Right. Sure. Go right ahead. Yeah.
- Sorry. - Sure.
- [ Loud Crashing ] - Aah!
- l'll get that. l'll fix all that. - [ Clattering ]
All that will be fixed.
The president.
[ Groaning ] At last!
Everyone, let's give the president a little privacy, shall we?
Absolutely. We can go over these offers anytime, Mr. President.
Hold on. Hold on. How's it coming?
We're finalizing dates this week, sir.
Twenty-six speaking engagements, 1 4 days, 1 20 thou per.
- And? - Clinton got a hundred thousand, sir.
- And my autobiography? - Random House is offering 1 4 mil.
HarperCollins is at 1 3, but is offering a better ghostwriter.
- Ohh. Excellent. Keep working it. - Here you go.
We're up to 1 47 honorary doctorates...
93 offers to be on the boards of Fortune 500 companies.
Soova Motors is offering you five million dollars to do a car commercial...
to air only in Norway.
And of course, the big enchilada.
The Monroe "Eagle'"Cole Presidential Library.
[ Chuckling ] l like it!
[ Man ] European rationalism interwoven with American modernism...
a metaphor of organic growth...
a man-made mountain over which soars the Eagle.
lt's fantastic. ls it big enough?
- lt's, uh, 40,000 square feet, sir. - [ Phone Ringing ]
- And? - Clinton's is 20,000, sir.
Excellent.
lt's the former first lady, sir. Shall l tell her you're out?
No, no, no.
Will you excuse me?
Here he is, Mrs. Cole.
And the problem is?
As the man who has just gotten the most lucrative speaking fees, the biggest book deal...
the most board offers in history, l would think you'd know.
Come on, honey lamb. You don't believe all that nonsense, do you?
No, Eagle. l believe it's just the tip of the iceberg.
Charlotte, lamb, we settled.
[ Mock Chuckle ] Pioneers settle.
We rested.
- Seven million. Don't forget--you're selling Mooseport. - Charlotte!
lt's a vacation home, Monroe.
You thieving, conniving, ungrateful--
lt's been a pleasure speaking with you, Mrs. Cole. He'll call you back.
Yeah, you too. Try to talk some sense into him.
- Seven million. - lt's a negotiation.
You've handled dictators. You've handled terrorists.
Terrorists were easier, l swear to God!
[ Grumbling ]
Breathe.
Let the lawyers handle it. Breathe.
[ Sighs ] Ohh!
- Oh, Grace, you're a miracle. - Oh!
[ Toilet Flushing ]
Oh. Sorry.
No, no, no. Come on in. Can l help you?
Well, l don't mean to disturb you. l'm all done in here.
l mean, l'm done fixing it.
That flushing you heard-- that's work-related, not personal.
Oh.
Hey, we're done.
- [ Dog Whining ] - What? Plunger!
Plunger! Plunger, stop it!
- Come here! - [ Barks ]
What are you doing, huh?
- [ Yipping ] - Hey, you trying to get us both shot?
How many times l gotta tell you-- keep that thing in your... body.
Bad dog!
- You just let him do that right in front of you? - l don't have cable, man.
Come on, boy. Come on.
Get up, get up, get up!
- [ Barking ] - Sally!
Spit it up, froggy. Thank you.
Sally! You stay off her couch, Plunger!
Sally! Sally, hey! You up here?
- Guess what.! - Downstairs.
- Hey, hey. Guess what came. - Shh.
- [ Woman Grunting ] -Jane Ellen's delivering.
- Already? Wow. How's she doing? - Sally?
- Here comes another one.! - She's up to sextuplets.
Sextuplets?
Seven, right? Six. Seven!
No, six, six.
[ Whimpering ]
Chester! Huh?
Ah,you did it, boy. Yeah.
Oh, boy. Oh, look at those paws. lt's gonna be a giant.
l know.
Hey. So guess who l saw today.
- Who? - Take a guess.
- Handy.! - Come on. Take one guess.
The president.
Oh, that's right, because everybody knows he's here. Okay.
But not everybody gets a check for 1 7,000 big ones.
- Really? - Seventeen thousand.
Man,you know what? l just, uh--
l think l'm finally ready.
[ Chuckles ] Where are those towels?
- You're ready? - Yeah, yeah.
- Ready to-- - To get the new truck.
A big one. A big one. You know, no more three trips to the lumberyard for me.
- lt's gonna be great. - Dina, false alarm!
l'll take him.
l'm not sensing any enthusiasm.
l'm thrilled... about your new truck...
really.
Hey, look, you know what? Tonight, after the party thing?
Let's do something to celebrate.
Let's just go out, me and you. A little romantic dinner.
- Sure. - Yeah, it'll be great.
Okay. All right. Dina, say hi to Fred and the kids.
All right. See you later.
- Plunger, let's go.! - Well, he needs a new truck...
- [ Door Closes ] - so he can load all that crap that he's full of.
[ Chuckling ]
- ##[ Marching Band ] - [ People Chattering ]
[ Man ] Here he is.!
[ Whistling, Cheering ]
You look great, sir!
[ Man ] Glad you're here, sir.
Good to see you, sir.
- Over here! - [ Woman ] Right here, Mr. President!
[ Man ] We're happy to have you here, sir.!
[ Woman ] Glad you're back home, sir.
[ Sighs ]
## [ Singing ]
Here we are. Mmm!
- Morris! Morris! - What?
- He's here. He's here. - Al, ""Hail to the Chief.'' ""Hail to the Chief.''
Welcome, Mr. President!
-Sir, welcome.! - Welcome back.!
- Fifteen minutes. - An hour.
- Thirty. - Forty-five, and it's a deal.
- [ Growls ] Okay. - Whoo!
Yea.!
- [ Electrical Feedback Hums ] - [ All Groaning ]
- Sorry. - [ Woman Laughing ]
Good evening. l'd like to thank everybody for coming.
Tonight is a very special night for Mooseport.
ln the words of Hunt Langley, who put it so eloquently in The Moose Call...
""The Eagle Has Landed!''
How original.
On behalf of the town council, let's give a big Mooseport welcome...
to our newest citizen...
Monroe ""Eagle'' Cole!
-[ Man ] Whoo.! - Yea!
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
As you all know, it's been over a year since l vacationed up here.
So, first off...
to the rumor that l'm only here because...
l lost my Baltimore house in my divorce...
absolutely true.
-[ Chuckling ] - l am a Mooseport resident...
and even though l didn't get a chance to meet many of you when l was up here as president...
- l certainly hope to-- - [ Door Clattering ]
l certainly would, uh...
- [ Mouthing Word ] - hope to get to know you all a lot better.
Maybe we could, uh, hit a few birdies or, uh, eagles...
- [ Laughing ] - at your local golf links.
Anyway, since l'm not here to ask for money...
[ Chuckling ] l don't know what else to say...
except to thank you so much...
for your hospitality...
and see you around the burg.
Hear! Hear!
- Let's go. - Thank you, Mr. President. That was great.
Uh, could a few of us have a word with you in private?
The president has a limited amount of time. Sorry.
- This'll take just a second. lt's kind of urgent. - Certainly.
- Right this way. - Excuse me.
Mr. President, l'm sorry the timing isn't better...
but it seems that your arrival has coincided with something of a crisis.
Folks, l'm the Crisismeister. Shall l call the marines?
- Would you care to sit down, please? - Thank you.
Mr. President, Amos Harmon...
our beloved mayor of 2 4 years, just passed away.
- Oh, l'm sorry to hear that. - Anyway, sir...
the town council met an hour ago in an emergency session...
and voted unanimously to beseech you, sir...
to be our mayor.
Your mayor?
- Mayor! [ Giggling ] - That's good.
Yes, sir.
You see, before he died, Mayor Harmon was running, as always, unopposed.
And with the filing deadline tomorrow...
we were having a dilly of a time trying to find a replacement.
And then Reuben here pipes up and says, "Why not get the president?'"
[ Shouting ] l said, ""Get the president!''
ln our 2 40-year history, there would be no greater honor bestowed on our town.
To have as our mayor the most popular president in history.
Popular, with approval ratings in the 70s.
- Eighties, actually. - Uh, 85.
- Eighty-five. - Eighty-five? Unbelievable.
Mr. President, you simply must say yes.
Well, folks, uh, even though l'm not in the Oval Office any longer...
l do have plans.
Sally, please. We're in the middle of something here.
Sorry. l-- l was just... getting my coat.
- l'll come back. - Uh, hold on a second. Sally, is it?
- Yes. - Sally,you seem like an engaged citizen.
Uh, what would you think about my being mayor?
Mayor? Really?
lt was my idea!
Um, l think you should do it.
And then maybe you could do something about that landing situation.
- The landing situation? - Uh, yeah.
l'm a veterinarian...
and l had a critically ill donkey in my helicopter this morning...
and l almost lost her because...
the president just had to land first.
Oh, l'm terribly sorry. That must have been a procedural thing.
- Standard security protocol. - Standard security.
Maybe if you were mayor, you could do something about that.
Hmm. Absolutely.
Things like that shouldn't happen. l appreciate your opinion.
- lt's really, really nice to meet you, Mr. President. - Nice to meet you too, Sally.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Well, Mr. President?
- l'm sorry, gentlemen. - Hold on a second there, Bullard. Maybe--
Excuse me, Mr. President. l suggest that we give them an answer tomorrow.
- Gentlemen, he'll sleep on it. - Yes, l-l'll sleep on it.
So we'll hear from you in the morning, sir?
You have my word. You have the Eagle's word.
Thank you, Mr. President!
By God, that's just the way he sounds on TV!
Hey! Sorry. Connelly's septic tank broke again.
- Oh. Stood up for a septic tank. - No. No.
- You look good. Yeah. - Yeah?
- Eww! - What?
- You stink! - Too much cologne?
No, not enough-- Did you think about a shower?
l-- Yes, l did, but then l would have been more late.
l didn't think it was bad.
You know how you can't smell your own smell? That's what we got going on here.
Yeah. So is this thing over?
lt's over for me.
Hey, what do you wanna do? You wanna get something to eat?
l'm not that hungry. l think l'm just gonna go home.
What? ls it that bad? l'll take a shower. We can take a shower.
l already took a shower.
- Come on, Sally. What's the problem? - l don't know.
l'm just-- You know, for the past six years--
Today, when you said you were--
l don't know, Handy. Why don't you tell me what the problem is?
l don't have a problem.
Well, that's the problem.
- What do you-- - l'll see you tomorrow.
[ Sighs ] l should've showered.
[ Sniffs ]
- Your newspapers. - Good morning, ma'am.
- Beautiful, Ramona. Beautiful. - Today's agenda, ma'am.
Thank you,John. Perfect, Smitty.
For God's sakes, save me from Mooseport, Rod.
- Well, how 'bout a job at the Pentagon. - [ Whistling ]
- Gotta go. Good morning, Mr. President. - [ Whistling Continues ]
[ Chuckling ] Good morning, good morning, good morning.
- Oh, Smitty! Thank you so much. - Sir.
- What's on tap today? - Read the paper.
Finally! Grace, you're wonderful.
Then you can take that jog you've been wanting to take.
Mmm. Fabulous. Oh, uh, about that mayor thing--
Oh, don't worry, Mr. President. We'll take care of it.
While the president is flattered, he declines. His schedule precludes him--
- Actually, l'm considering it. - Sir?
Yeah, why not?
Largely ceremonial. Any work involved you can do.
We run everything else we're involved in. Why not Mooseport?
W-Well, sir, actually--
As your first move out of office, you become mayor?
lt's, uh, beneath you. And from a P.R. standpoint, it's--
Fantastic.
For the love of public service, Eagle Cole...
the most beloved president sinceJack Kennedy, agrees to help.
Perfect. And don't forget the Wicked Witch of the West Wing.
She can't claim this is a vacation house if l'm the mayor, can she?
- True. - Wait until the filing deadline.
- Then call them with the good news. - Yes, sir.
Mayor. We're going to run ""Turdport.''
## [ All Singing ]
Thank you very much, gentlemen. l won't let Mooseport down.
You have the Eagle's word, okay?
- Thank you, Mr. President! Good-bye now! - Bye!
- lt was my idea! - Congratulations, Kent.
- Congratulations, Stu. - Oh, Morris, you might want to read this.
Holy crap!
[ Morris ] Thank you so much for meeting with us again, sir.
When we talked last night, nobody else had put in for mayor.
Unbeknownst to us, lrma Brisker, our town registrar...
took it upon herself to persuade Harold Harrison--
You might know him as Handy Harrison, sir.
Runs the hardware store. Doing some construction work on your home, l believe.
- To run for mayor as well. - Well, okay then.
You've got your mayor. lf he wants it, he can have it.
- Sir, it's a touch more complicated than that. - What's complicated?
lt's just that, you see, sir, it kind of got out in the press that you're both in.
- What press? - Well--
When the deadline passed, we called Hunt Langley down at The Moose Call.
He said when this got around, it would be national news.
Of course it'll be national news. Press'll say l'm trying to squash a bug.
You can rest assured, sir, that not one of them said anything like that.
- Did they, Stu? - No, sir. None of them said that.
A couple of them called it ""David and Goliath,'' but none of them said that.
What do you mean ""them''? Who's ""them''?
- NBC. - CBS.
- Fox. lt was really exciting! - [ Gasps ] Uh-huh.
What, are you telling me the entire country thinks l'm running for mayor...
against the man installing my toilets?
But, sir, you said ""Eagle's word.''
Ah, hell!
Stop eating the fertilizer. Go on over there.
-[ Woman ] Look.! lt's the president.! - Do you see him?
- Which car is he in? - Oh, yeah, it's him!
- [ Bells Jingling ] - Company's coming, and Bruce is out again.
- What is this? - That's Bruce the Moose, sir.
lt's a rescued animal. Handy's pet.
Shouldn't it be in a zoo?
- Afternoon, Mr. President. - Oh, hello, Handy.
- ls everything okay with that water heater? - Everything is fine.
- l just wondered if you had a minute. - Hey, l'm Bob.
- l'm working for you too. - Bob, nice to see you.
l'm sorry, Mr. President. Bob, Martha and lrma.
Martha. lrma.
- Paint. - Pipes.
Wood products, like your last two cabinet appointments.
- [ Chuckling ] - Handy, aren't you gonna introduce me?
- Oh, sorry. This is Mandy. - Hi.
Mandy and Handy. How cute.
- Oh! - Uh, could we speak privately for a moment?
Yeah. Sure. Wh-- That's my office right over there.
Outstanding.
Excuse me. l have a private meeting with the president.
[ Quiet Growling ]
lguana on your left, sir.
[ Chuckling ] Whoo!
- What a dump. - Well, sir.
- This is it. - Oh, it's cozy. Nice office, yeah.
Thank you. How can l help you, Mr. President?
Well, Handy, as l'm sure you know, we've both put in for mayor.
- No, l didn't know that, sir. - You didn't know that?
l knew that l put in. l thought l was just doin' the town a favor, that's all.
l thought l was running all by myself.
As you can see, we have a bit of a situation.
Yeah, it's-- We got a bit of a pickle here.
Bit of a pickle. Exactly. So l was thinking that one of us should withdraw.
l would be happy if it were me.
Lord knows l have nothing left to prove, much less being the mayor of anything.
But l have a P.R. problem.
Oh. Ohh. P.R. prob-- ls it serious?
Well, it got out to the press that l had given my word.
- Oh. Right. - You know, ""You have the Eagle's word.''
- Right. Like on TV. - TV. Exactly.
So, um-- Well, look, uh---
You're a golfer, right?
- Are you any good? - l get around. l get around.
- Like a 1 0 handicap, maybe, on a good day. - Ten? Me too.
- We should knock it around sometime. - That would be an honor.
Well, uh, if you're trying to make a name for yourself in golf...
you wouldn't, uh, start off by...
Oh. Nice shot.
challenging Tiger Woods.
No,you'd start small--local tournaments. Same in politics.
You don't start a political career...
by running against the former president of the United States.
- Fine. - Fine.
lt was a privilege to run. lt's a privilege to withdraw.
- Well, it's settled. - What's settled?
lt turns out we both put in for mayor, so l just withdrew.
- Chicken! - l'm glad l could help with that P.R. problem.
Bruce is out of his pen again. Did anybody happen to notice that?
He probably chewed through the rope. Bob, put him back.
l already did it. Oh. Excuse me. l'm sorry.
Sally, the president. We just had a meeting.
We met last night when l was being stood up.
Look, l'm sorry if l was rude to you. l'm really embarrassed.
Rude? Don't be silly. No.
- What you said helped convince me to be mayor. - Really?
You're gonna do it! You're gonna be our mayor! Great!
lt is, isn't it? l'm so glad l ran into you.
You know, l decided to get a dog.
- l thought you already had a dog. - Yes, l do.
- A great animal. A shih tzu. - Westie.
Westie needs a friend, and l thought if you were available...
let's say tomorrow night, perhaps...
we could discuss it over, uh, dinner.
- Dinner? - [ Clears Throat ]
Yeah, l could really use your, uh, professional advice on this.
- Really? My advice? - Mm-hmm.
Uh, okay. Well, dinner would be fine.
Great.! Looking forward to it.
- My people will get in touch with your people. - l don't have people.
But l could give you my number.
Well, my people will get your number and we'll set up a time.
l'm sure whatever time we do set, you'll be on time.
- [ Groaning ] -Absolutely. Looking forward to it.
See you on the links, sir.
- And thanks again for being so helpful. - Yeah. Right.
[ Bells Jingling ]
You mean rolling over.
[ Door Closes ]
- Sally-- - You know, Bruce is a baby.
Babies like to chew things like rope.
- Ooh-ooh. - Okay, then.
[ Clears Throat ]
Sally, is it me...
or did you just get asked out by that president guy?
Yes, l think l did. Probably couldn't chew through this, right?
And-And is it me or did you just say yes...
to the president guy?
Yes, l think l did.
Look, Sally, l'm sorry that l was late, okay...
but you can't date the president because of that.
- Do you really think that's the reason? - Why, then?
Why not?
Here. Use this.
[ Door Closes ]
Shut up!
Sally, l wanna talk to you! Sally, l wanna talk with--
[ Monroe ] Thank you very much. lt was very nice of you.
- Say bye-bye now. - lt's lrene.
Mr. President!
Yes, Handy. What is it?
[ Horn Honking ]
- Mr. President! - Thank you very much.
Uh-huh?
l can't do it, sir. l can't drop out of the mayor race.
Excuse me?
l, uh, l don't have the Eagle thing like you, but l'm a man of my word too.
Every man's word's important. lsn't that true?
Does he want money? Wh-What is it?
lf you stay in this race, then l'm-l'm sure you're gonna slaughter me, but...
l'm runnin' for the mayor of Mooseport!
[ High-pitched Scream ]
ls he losin' his mind?
l-- uh--
[ Satisfied Sigh ]
- What just happened? - You're runnin' against the president.
And your girlfriend's datin' him. Mm-hmm.
l repeat-- mm-hmm!
[ Grace ] No, Larry, the president has no comment.
No. No comment. Thank you.
That's all the networks, 60 Minutes and Larry King.
The handyman's girlfriend? His girlfriend? Why didn't you tell me?
- l'm gonna look like an idiot. - l tried to tell you, Mr. President. Remember?
Why didn't you try harder? What am l supposed to do now, apologize?
- Back down? - You want to call Bert Langdon?
For what? l don't need a campaign manager for this.
- [ Rings ] - Hello? One second. Mr. President.
Bert Langdon on line one.
Bert, what a coincidence. What's shakin'?
That's what l was gonna ask you, Eagle.
lt's deader than Nixon down here.
l'd be happy to roll up my sleeves and come up there if you want.
Bert, l'm running against my plumber. ls there something l don't know?
You watching Fox News?
The results are quite interesting.
The poll, of course, is preliminary...
but it does show Harrison with surprising strength.
[ Man ] There's an eight percent margin of error, and it's still early...
but it looks to be very close.
[ Woman ] Seems to me the president has got himself in a bit of a horse race.
Eagle, you with me?
[ Man On TV] Don't you mean moose race?
Eagle.! Hey.! Oh-ho.!
- There she is! Hey, come on. Let's go. - That's her right there.
-[ Woman ] Sally.! - Miss Mannis! Are you Dr. Sally Mannis?
- Yeah. -Just a couple of questions about Handy Harrison.
- Hey! Watch it. - ls it true you've been seeing Mr. Harrison for six years?
- Now you're dating the president. - Oh, no.
l'm not dating the president. lt's one date.
l'm not even sure you'd call it a date.
You wouldn't call it a date? What would you call it exactly?
-Just a couple more questions! - When did he ask you out?
- Have you and the president had sex yet? - For God's sakes!
[ Reporters All Shouting ]
Think about it, Handy.
For our mayor, we could have the president of the United States.
- What are you trying to do to us? - You know he's gonna win.
Drop out, you bastard!
- [ Morris ] Come on.! - Thank you, Reuben.
- And you better keep an eye on your speedometer, Harrison. - Handy! Handy! Handy!
- What's this? Come on. Ah, what's goin' on? - Handy! Handy! Handy!
What's it look like? You're campaigning!
- Handy.! Handy.! - Guys, come on.
Hey, Handy. Do you like it? [ Giggles ]
Uh, that's--yeah. Uh, all right, guys. Thank you very much.
The moose hat and everything.
But, lrma, we discussed this. l'm not campaigning. l'm not.
- [ Plunger Growls ] - [ Sighs ]
- What? - Do you care about Sally or not?
No-- Look, her going out with him is just--
it's a casual--
Call it postmenopausal intuition...
butjust my opinion-- lose this election, lose Sally.
- Mm-hmm. - lt's not gonna go anywhere. He's 20 years older than me.
- He's the president! - So?
Power takes 1 0 years off a man, Handy.
Rich, another 1 0.
By the time you figure he's in great shape and you're not...
he's younger than you are.
-[ Martha ] Mm-hmm. - So, you want to campaign or not?
- Hmm! - Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Better shape!
l know l can kick your ass!
[ Bullard ] Up and running. So how do we kick this thing off,Bert?
Top priority, obviously, is to keep him presidential.
Just pound these moose worshippers...
with what his unbelievable experience can bring to them.
Look, if they think about it for half a second...
Harrison can't bring even a fraction of what he brings.
- Whatever he is. - And what exactly is he?
Preliminary research says that he is something...
that actually we've never faced before, Mr. President.
- And that is? - He's a genuinely honest man, sir.
Oh, come on, Grace. All that means is he's never run for public office.
[ Chuckling ]
- What do you got, Bert? - F.B.l., C.l.A.-- nothing.
But this turned up in the local paper.
And, uh, that's it?
That's it. We're running against the pie-eating champ.
- Huh. - And think about this.
He runs for mayor, but only when he thinks he's unopposed.
He dates the same woman for six years...
but he never pops the question.
What's wrong with this picture?
He won't take risks.! He won't make a commitment.
And any man who won't make a commitment shouldn't be mayor of anything.
- That's good. How do we get that out? - Whisper campaign, at first.
Then radio, and eventually, we'll have to have some TVspots.
Shouldn't get too expensive, but--
Mr. President, l'm sure you don't want to hear this...
but would the easiest thing be--
Should we discuss a withdrawal?
Withdrawal? Grace!
He's the Eagle!
Eagle Cole has never run away from anything in his life!
- Not to mention what it would do to his finances. - Finances?
Book deals, corporate boards, library fund-raising.
You quit or, God help us, lose to a plumber...
we can kiss those deals good-bye faster than you can say Roto-Rooter.
This is not about Mooseport. lt's about winning.
lt's about spending three million dollars to protect 20.
Maybe l should commit to that speaking tour.
l-- l, uh-- l had to cancel that, sir.
You-- You what?
lt-lt seemed obvious. lt was right in the middle of the campaign.
That was millions of dollars!
Sir, there is still that offer...
from the Soova Motors people.
- The ex-president cannot do car commercials. - But have you seen the car?
Look at this. lt's snappy styling, snappy president.
- Bullard.! - lt's smooth handling.
- Leather interior! - Bullard! Get out, get out.
l'll handle the money, Eagle. l'm sure that with the library pledges, something will turn up.
- May l stay now, sir? - Go in the corner, out of my eye line.
Oh, thank you, sir.
- [ Clears Throat ] - l can still see you.
Yes, sir.
What about the girl? What about this Sally-Handy, Sally-Eagle wank-off?
- He'll have to cancel the date. - Whoa, whoa. No. He can't cancel the date.
You said it, Bert. The Eagle doesn't back down.
You clear up what l didn't know and when l didn't know it, l'll be fine.
- Should l draft a press release? - Uh, yeah.
Oh, no. No. Um--
Call the press, have them over here first thing in the morning...
and then get Handy Harrison here to fix the toilet.
You see where l'm going with this, or do l have to draw you a picture?
l see it, Mr. President. l'm on it.
- Let's get to work. - [ Chuckles ]
[ Loud Cackling ]
He's comin' in.
- Let's go. Let's go. Move on through. Move on. - Oh, boy.
[ lrma ] Uh-huh. Looks like an ambush.
Oh, boy.
- [ Man ] Handy, what are your policies? - [ All Chattering ]
[ Man ] Mr. President.! Mr. President.! Comments.!
Folks, l need a word with Mr. Harrison. Good morning, Handy.
- Good morning, Mr. President. You got toilet trouble, right? - Yeah.
Handy, uh, l want to make it clear that when l asked Miss Mannis out...
l had no idea that you two had a relationship.
Even though l find it reprehensible for any man to interfere in an ongoing romance...
Me too. [ Chuckling ]
l also believe that a woman's heart is hers and hers alone to give.
Ah. Yeah. That's a good point.
Mm-hmm. So, l asked Sally out in ignorance...
and she agreed to go.
And until she tells me to stand down, l intend to see her.
- Fair? - Call him a horndog!
- [ Man ] Did she say ""horndog''? - Well, uh--
lf it's okay with you, sir, l'd like to chew on that a bit.
Okay. Okay, you chew on that...
and, um...
if you find that you can't swallow it, you let me know...
and l'll give you the Heimlich maneuver, okay?
- [ All Laughing ] - Very good, sir.
Come on in here and fix these toilets.
- [ Woman ] So are we going to see a date, Mr. President? - Where are you taking her?
l don't know what you're gonna see. Thank you so much.
- [ Sighs ] - Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
- l'm in a great mood. Do we have any ice cream? - Absolutely, sir.
And l think we found a way to solve your money problems.
- Really? - Yes.
- Voilą. -[ Monroe ] That's it?
Nothing to it. You save three million dollars, and look-- still beautiful.
Excellent, excellent. Don't even miss it.
- Okay, everybody. Let's get back to work. - Right away, sir.
Son of a bitch!
Sally!
- [ Door Closes ] - Plunger,you stay off the couch.!
- Hi there. - Hello.!
Hey. Hey, it's me. What's up?
Uh... what are you doing? You wanna go do something?
- You wanna see a movie or something? - You know l have plans tonight.
l-- Oh, that's right. That's right. l forgot.
Tonight's the night you got a date with the president of the United States.
- Uh-huh. - Did you see this?
""Local vet finds romance with past president.''
- Eww. Where'd they get that picture? - Yeah.
There it is next to the president on the front page.
So what about later? l mean, he must go to bed at, like, 8:30, right?
So, there's supposed to be a meteor shower at 1 1 :00. That could be cool.
- lt'll have to be another time. - [ Pipes Squealing ]
lt's not gonna happen for 2 40 years, but okay, l'll pencil that in.
l might, uh-- You gotta-- You gotta tighten these.
- [ Squeaking ] - Look, if you're doing all this to get mejealous...
it's worked, okay, so could you stop it, huh?
Please? Can you just cancel the date with the president?
So that's Wednesday. Then Thursday.
- Come in, come in, come in. - Thank you, sir.
Uh, Thursday, l thought you could interview some of the ghostwriters.
- Oh, great, great, great, great. - Where are you taking her?
The Pig and the Whistle, the only steakhouse in town.
Supposed to be quiet, intimate. Do you know it?
Pig 'N' Whistle? No.
What do l eat? l mean, what do l talk about?
Do l have anything in common with this girl?
She's a veterinarian. Why don't you talk about mad cow disease?
- Don't, by the way, order meat. - Why not?
lt's just a guess, but she might not appreciate your wolfing down...
the animal she spent all day trying to save.
[ Chuckling ] Good point.
Come on.
Wh-What, do you-- do you really actually like this guy?
He wants to talk to me about dogs.
- Why you all dressed up then? - Because he's the president.
Well, then why are you wearin' black underwear?
- Were you lookin' up my dress? - [ Mumbling ]
Yeah, l was.
- Ow! - Oh, get over yourself. l hardly touched you.
How many times do l gotta tell you how strong you are?
You knuckled my bone!
Listen, explain to me the underwear choice.
- lf you're not attracted-- - l don't believe this!
What difference does it make what color my underwear is?
lt's an unconscious indicator...
of your subconscious intentions.
Okay. Um--
How do you feel about the pink?
- No. - No.
- Uh... what about these? - No!
- No? Uh, these? - All right.
Or do you like any of these?
l'm going to Sears tomorrow. l'm telling you right now.
Oh! Remember these?
Yeah. That we're locking up, okay?
Or you know what?
l could always go with none at all. l wonder what that would indicate.
Sally. Sally! Put some pants on!
[ Phone Rings ]
- Hello! - Handy's Hardware.
- Hello, Pig 'N' Whistle. - No, this is Handy's Hardware.
Good. l'd like to confirm a reservation, please.
- You have the wrong number. - Yes, l know.
For President Monroe Cole.
- Strictly confidential, of course. - Confidential?
8:00, for two, yes?
Well, l'll be buggered by a bear.
Ah, yes, you will. Look forward to seeing you there.
[ Dial Tone Hums ]
Move up a little closer. Can you move that up?
[ Handy ] This feels wrong. And pushy.
And him making her his booty poodle isn't?
You have to stop saying that, please.
- ##[ Classical ] - Thank you. To new friends.
Lots of'em.
- This way, Mr. President! - Sorry about the gaggle.
l just can't believe they hound you like this.
Nah, you get used to it. They're kind of like pigeons.
You throw 'em a crumb once in a while. Hello!
- Thank you, sir! - Hi, Mom.
Out with the president.
- [ Loud Laughing ] Ah, that's great. - Hmm, hmm, hmm.
- Are we ready yet? - Uh, l hope you're hungry.
l could eat a horse... radish.
Horseradish. Sally?
Uh, l'm not sure yet. You go first, Mr. President.
Monroe, please.
- Monroe. - Let's see. So much to choose from here.
Um... l'll have the baked potato.
- Hmm. All right. - Sour cream and butter and Baco Bits.
Vegetarian... Baco Bits.
Uh, l'll have the endive salad and... a T-bone.
- [ Choking ] - Sometimes you just want a steak, right?
- Yeah. - [ Chuckles ]
- [ Martha ] No turning back. Get in there.! - Hey, hold on a minute.
- [ lrma ] Why can't we go in? - [ Guard ] Ma'am?
- All right. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. - Go on!
Hi. Uh, sorry, everybody. Sorry to interrupt. l was just--
l wanna let everybody know that l'm gonna be running for mayor.
And l'd appreciate your votes.
So l'll just hand these out, and l'll get out of your way. Here you go.
[ Man ] l gotta tell you, l'm voting for the president.
- Hi. Good evening, folks. lt's a nice night, isn't it? -[ lrma ] Handy for mayor.
Runnin' for mayor. Hey, you got yours. Hi. Hi, Shelly. Hi.
Hey,just wanna remind people that l'm running for mayor.
Yeah, we heard you before.
lnstead of interrupting everybody's dinner, why don't you two have a debate?
- Debate? - Yeah. Have a debate.
We're not gonna have a debate. We're not gonna bother the president with that.
Oh, no, no. A debate's fine by me.
- [ Man ] There. You see? Yeah. - Now?
Well, now is not the time or place, Handy...
but, uh, let's say the town hall Tuesday night.
That's a great idea!
- l'll think about it. - Of course he will.
-[ Woman ] Tuesday, town hall. Great.! - Okay. All right. You're on.
Okay, why don't we let everybody get back to their dinner?
All right. l'm gonna go in the bar.
Maybe there's people that are drunk enough to vote for me in there.
Good idea.
- What are you mentioning a debate-- - That's all right.
- l can't talk. l can't even talk to you. - You'll be fine.
- Oh, come on! - Look, l'm gonna stay. You go. Go.
- Hand these out. - Take the truck home. Put some gas in it.
Hey. Hi, everybody. Sorry to interrupt.
- Everything all right? - Uh, yes!
Would you excuse me for just one minute?
- Yes, certainly. - Don't get up.
- l kind of know what everybody-- - Handy!
Get the hell out of here.
Sally, l have the right to campaign.
Campaign? You're making a fool of yourself.
Well, welcome to politics.
Discreetly. Discreetly.
What's in it?
- They're, uh-- lt's beyond me, sir. - What?
- Should l get it to the F.B.l.? - Yes. No, no, no.
Here she comes. Go. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dah.
- [ Man ] Mr. President.! - Watch your step, Mr. President.
- lt's going well, don't you think? - Mr. President, sir.
- l've been thinking. l suggest a handshake, sir. - What?
Yes, sir. lt's your first date. l think that a handshake--
Grace, Grace, l'm doing great here!
l think you're underestimating me.
[ Man ] Are you going to see her again?
- [ Woman ] Sally, is he a gentleman? - [ Man ] How's the date going?
[ Man ] Have you officially dumped Handy, Miss Mannis?
Whoa! Was that a meteor?
- There's supposed to be a shower tonight. - Ahh.
- Maybe it's a good omen, huh? - [ Chuckling ]
l just wanna apologize again for Handy.
l certainly did not tell him where we were going tonight.
l understand totally.
Well... good night.
- l, uh-- Oops. - [ Crowd Groans ]
Ohh!
- Yes! -[ Man ]Just a handshake?
That's gotta hurt.!
Little rusty there, Mr. President?
Mr. President.! Crash and burn, man.!
Ohh.
Okay, here it is again. The president goes in for the kiss.
Out comes her hand, and no, thank you, Mr. President!
- [ Cheering ] - Let's get this guy another beer!
[ Whooping ]
Wait! Guys, guys, guys!
He was pushin'. He missed all her signals.
[ Reporter ] And you, sir?
- Look who's on TV.! - Uh, the president? Loser!
That's me! All right!
The president got vetoed.
Can you believe it? Definitely the cold shoulder.
- Cold shoulder? -[ Regis Philbin ] The president lost that one.
- Do l hear ""lame duck''? - Turn it off, all right? Just turn it off!.
- Come on. Turn it off!. Turn it off!. - Mr. President.
- [ Grace ] There. lt's off. - [ Stifled Chuckling ]
- Well, how do we fix this? - We don't.
We concentrate on substance. We get rid of this debate.
What's wrong with the debate?
Putting him on the stage with you gives him credibility.
And he can be funny, sir. Funny is your weakness.
- Huh? - N-Not weakness.
Uh, uh, lesser strength.
- Oh, get out! - Yeah.
Out of your eye line or--
Just get out! Out!
- Dyer, Cloud, break his leg! - Yes, sir.
- [ Running Footsteps ] - They know l'm kidding, don't they?
l'm kidding! l'm just kidding!
## [ Drunken Singing ]
Sally! Sally!
Sal!
Uh, l'm coming. Stay there.
Froggy. Green boy.
What?
[ Chuckles, Blows ]
Sally!
Sally.! Come on.!
The frog is empty.
There's nothing in it...
except frog.
[ Clattering ]
[ Screaming ]
Got a rock particle in my eye now!
My eye hurts.! l need a hug.!
Sally,just--
For a little bit, we're gonna talk.
Ow! Wh-- This?
This was a joke.
lt was a bad joke.
lt's a little bit... funny.
Go to sleep, and maybe--
maybe we'll meet in our dreams.
Like-- Like you can connect a Nintendo...
from one player to the next player.
[ Kisses ] l'm blowing you a kiss. lt's by the window.
And you can tomorrow get it... when you wake up.
Brush your teeth, and then you go get it.
[ Sighs ] All right.
l'm going home. l hurt my eye.
Home. See my doggy.
- [ Man ] Hey, wait up.! - [ Woman ] See you inside, okay?
- [ Woman Laughing ] Right. All right. - See you tomorrow, Sam.
[ Morris ] Testing, testing. Can you all hear me?
- Sally! - Hey, Dina.
- What took ya? - [ Morris ] Come in directly.
Would you stop sweating?
lt goes with hyperventilating.
We're all set, Eagle.
You'll be stage right, showing your best side.
Talking points. lssue cheat sheets.
Wherever possible, tell 'em about your experience.
Demonstrate all the resources that you can bring to Mooseport.
l'm not afraid of you.
- l can't feel my feet. - Your feet are fine.
- l can't feel 'em. - Don't be a weenie. Now, shape up.
- ls my hair sticking up? - Turn around.
- Put it down already. - Okay, shut your eyes, baby. Shut your eyes.
What? Stop it, stop it! [ Gagging ]
Look at us, Handy. Motels are full. Stores are packed.
Do you realize that this is Mooseport's first traffic jam since-- ever!
We gotta have a second debate. How 'bout it?
- No! - Mr. President! Hey-yo!
My nose is making a whistling noise.
[ People Chattering ]
[ Applause, Cheering ]
- [ Man ] Hey, Handy.! - [ Microphone Feedback ]
- [ All Groaning ] - Sorry.
My fellow Americans...
welcome to the first of two televised mayoral debates.
ln the grand old Mooseport tradition...
a game of rock-paper-scissors will determine who will answer questions first.
Gentlemen.
- [ Woman ] Show 'em how it's done. - Handy.
Mr. President.
You know the rules.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Okay? On the count of three.
[ Man ] Go get 'im, Eagle.!
One, two, three.
- [ Gasping, Whooping ] - Rock-rock. Tie. Go again.
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
- Paper.! - l'd do scissors.!
- Back to rock.! - Come on, focus.!
[ Man Shouts ] Good luck, Mr. President.!
- [ Man ] Come on, Handy.! - One, two, three.
- Paper-paper. Tie. Go again. - [ Audience Groaning ]
[ Laughing, Shouting ]
- Rock! -[ Woman ] Paper.!
[ Woman ] Rock.! Rock.! Rock.!
[ Mutters ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ Audience Continues Shouting ]
Focus!
One, two, three!
- [ Yells ] - Oh, come on!
Rock breaks scissors! The president wins!
[ Sighs ] l am now prepared to entertain questions from the floor.
- [ Man ] l got one. - Clay?
Uh, some of them environment people...
have taken to callin' Ned Barker's pond a wetlands.
l been fishing there for 30 years. What's gonna happen?
- [ Audience Murmuring ] - [ Man ] Good question.
Clay...
l was the most environmentally conscious president since Teddy Roosevelt.
Human population will not threaten wildlife in this area...
for 200 years, if ever.
So you go right on fishing in that pond...
and if anybody tries to stop you, you send 'em to me.
[ Laughing ] Right on, Mr. President!
Handy?
[ Shutters Clicking ]
Come on, Handy. Come on.
That's well put, Mr. President.
lt sounds good to me.
- [ Murmuring, Smattering Of Applause ] - [ Man ] All right, Handy.
All right.! Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, Handy, come on.
- [ Man ] l got a question. - [ Woman ] My turn.! My turn.!
- [ Man ] Morris.! Over here.! - Uh, Frances?
Uh, for 1 0 years now...
we have needed a stop sign in front of Lucy Decker's house.
Nyah, nyah, nyah.
She has done everything except burn down City Hall to stop it.
lf elected, what will you do about it?
First off...
l would convene a commission to study the problem.
l would appoint a blue-ribbon panel...
of traffic specialists, right-of-way attorneys and the Army Corps of Engineers...
to assess the situation and make recommendations.
l would spare no effort to make our streets the safest in the world.
All right!
[ Man ] Go get 'im, Eagle.!
- Handy, your turn. - [ Man ] Gotta go for it.!
That's well put, Mr. President.
Lucy, let me ask you, what's the problem?
Car headlights.
Ten years ago they tried a stop sign.
When cars on Bay Street stopped, their headlights stopped right on my headboard.
- [ Grumbling, Laughing ] - Have you tried curtains?
- Excuse me? - You know, blackout curtains for your windows.
- You'd probably sleep better, anyway. - [ Murmuring, Chattering ]
Well, l'd try that. Nobody ever suggested that.
Well, you come by the store and we'll help you out.
- [ Woman ] Good thinking, Handy.! - l'll do that.
That's it, Handy! You tell 'em!
[ Cheering, Applause Continue ]
- [ Man ] That-a-way, Handy.! - [ Applause Subsides ]
- Dad. Dad. - Mandy Gutman?
Dad, this is a question for Handy. ls that okay?
Well, if the president has no objection.
l reserve the right to respond, but no objection.
Okay, Mandy.
Handy, l was just wondering...
now that Sally is dating the president...
[ All Gasping, Murmuring ]
does that mean that you're available?
Okay, people, can we keep the questioning to the subject of the election?
l think Joe had a question--
Actually, Morris, l'd like to address the issue, if l might.
Thank you. Uh, thanks, Mandy, for that question.
Sally...
l know l might not be the best boyfriend, but...
l thought we had a good thing going here.
You gotta know how much l care about you, right?
[ All Murmuring ]
Why else do you think l got so mad about the underwear with the president?
Underwear? Tell us about the underwear! Was it a thong?
- Mr. President, what about it? - No, no, no, no.!
No, it's color-- it's a color thing.
- [ Clamoring, Chattering ] - Sally!
What's the deal? Are you going out with him or me?
- [ All Murmuring ] - [ Man ] Go for the Eagle.!
-[ Audience Chanting ] Eagle.! Eagle.! Eagle.! -Sally, pick the president.!
- Eagle! Eagle! Eagle! Eagle! -Stop it. Stop it.!
-[ Chanting Continues ] -[ Man ] Come on, Sally.! Choose Handy.!
- Sally, which one is it gonna be? -[ Chanting ] Handy.! Handy.!
- Handy.! Handy.! Handy.! Handy.! Handy.! - Sally!
- [ Chanting Continues ] - Sal--
Excuse me. Excuse me!
[ Arguing ]
[ Reporters Shouting Questions ]
[ Handy ] Sally. Sally!
- Sally. - Are you crazy?
You didn't answer the phone, and you took the key out of the frog.
- l can't believe you did that. - What l said up there, doesn't that mean anything?
l heard you talking about my underwear in front of the whole town.
The whole country. That's how much l care. You didn't answer the question.
- What question? - ls it me or him?
ls it me or your new truck? Don't try to make this about me. lt's about you!